We spend so much time trying to understand the people we date.

‘Why are they so distant?’
‘Why can’t they communicate?’
‘Why do they need so much reassurance?’

But sometimes, we need to turn those questions towards ourselves too. Because our first lessons about relationships don’t come from dating. They come from childhood.

Long before we understood words like love, abandonment or security, our brains were learning what it felt like to need someone. Were we comforted? Heard? Reassured? Or were we often left to figure things out on our own?

That’s the basic idea behind Attachment Theory. These early experiences can influence how we connect with people later in life.

Secure attachment: You generally learnt that relationships are safe and dependable. Disagreements don’t immediately feel like rejection.

Anxious attachment: If love felt inconsistent, you may have learnt to stay alert. As an adult, this can show up as overthinking, needing reassurance or fearing someone will leave.

Avoidant attachment: If depending on others didn’t feel safe, you may have learnt to depend on yourself. Vulnerability can then feel uncomfortable and closeness may make you want to pull away.

Disorganised attachment: When the person who was meant to make you feel safe also created fear, closeness can become confusing. You may crave connection and then feel the need to escape it.

But here’s the important part: your childhood doesn’t decide your relationship destiny. It gives you patterns and patterns can be understood, questioned and changed.

As we grow, we have to outgrow some of the ways we learnt to protect ourselves. Because love shouldn’t constantly feel like something you have to earn. It should eventually feel like a place where you can be yourself, be vulnerable and breathe.