A few years ago, getting engaged often meant that the big questions would get answered after marriage. Today, that’s a risky assumption.

Modern relationships are navigating far more complexity than previous generations ever did. Careers are demanding, people are marrying late, women are financially independent, families continue to play a significant role in decision-making and couples are making choices that previous generations rarely discussed openly from relocating abroad to remaining child-free to prioritising mental health.

Yet despite all this, many couples spend months discussing wedding outfits, venues and guest lists, while spending very little time discussing how they actually want to live their lives together.

The truth is that marriage rarely struggles because two people chose the wrong wedding venue. Most challenges emerge because important conversations were never had in the first place. The questions to ask before marriage are rarely the romantic ones they are the practical, uncomfortable, clarifying ones.

Before getting engaged, ask yourself a simple question:

“Do I know how this person wants to live their life?”

Not how they like their coffee. Not their favourite Netflix show. But how they want to build their future.

Questions About Individual Readiness

The first set of conversations should focus on individual readiness.

Many people enter marriage hoping that the relationship will solve their loneliness, heal old wounds or provide stability they haven’t yet created for themselves. While a healthy relationship can offer support, it cannot do the inner work for you.

Before committing, ask each other:

• Why do I want to get married right now? Is it my decision, family pressure or fear of being left behind?
• How do I handle stress, conflict and difficult emotions?
• Am I willing to seek support, therapy or personal growth when needed?
• What are my personal and professional goals over the next five years?
• Which of my habits or expectations might become challenging in a marriage?

Questions About Money and Financial Compatibility

The second conversation couples often avoid is money.

In today’s India, financial compatibility is no longer just about how much you earn. It is about values, priorities and transparency. One person may want financial security while the other values experiences. One may be supporting parents while the other is saving for a home.

Some questions worth discussing are:

• What does our current financial reality look like, including income, debt and savings?
• How do we plan to manage money after marriage?
• What financial goals matter most to us?
• How do we feel about career breaks, especially if children become part of the picture?
• What responsibilities do we have towards our families financially?

Questions About Family, Culture and Social Readiness

The third area is social readiness, something that remains particularly relevant in India.

Even today, marriage is rarely between just two individuals. Families, traditions, expectations and responsibilities often become part of the equation.

This is where couples need clarity around questions such as:

• How involved will our families be in major decisions?
• Do we want children and if yes, what does that timeline look like?
• Where do we want to live in the long term?
• How important are religious and cultural traditions to each of us?
• What are our expectations around living arrangements, caregiving and household responsibilities?

The Point Isn’t Agreement – It’s How You Disagree

The goal of these conversations is not to ensure that you agree on everything. In fact, that would be unrealistic.

The real goal is to understand whether you can discuss difficult topics with honesty, curiosity and respect. Can you listen without becoming defensive? Can you stay open when your partner’s answer is different from yours? Can you work through disagreements without treating them as threats to the relationship?

Because engagement should not simply be a celebration of love. It should also be a reflection of clarity.

When two people are willing to have these conversations before saying yes, they are not just preparing for a wedding. They are preparing for the realities of marriage.

And that is what truly determines whether a relationship is ready for the next step.

If These Conversations Feel Hard to Start

Some couples work through these questions easily over a few evenings. Others find that every attempt turns into an argument, or quietly gets dropped. Both are common, and neither means the relationship is in trouble.

This is often where premarital counselling helps not because something is wrong, but because a neutral third person makes it easier to say the honest thing.

I’m Namrata Jain, a counselling psychologist based in Mumbai. I work with couples on premarital counselling, communication and marriage readiness in person in Mumbai and online across India.

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