You have shared playlists, celebrated birthdays, stayed over at each other’s place and somehow become part of each other’s everyday life. From the outside, it looks like a relationship. But behind closed doors, one conversation somehow never happens – the one that answers, “What are we?” 

And that’s usually where the overthinking begins. 

Is this actually a relationship? Or is it just a situationship? 

This has become incredibly common today. Dating apps, the fear of commitment, wanting to keep options open and changing dating norms have made the “open to seeing where things go” phase feel completely normal. Many people find themselves emotionally invested without ever knowing where the relationship is actually headed. 

What Is a Situationship?

A situationship is when you are doing almost everything a couple does, but no one has clearly defined the relationship. You are emotionally close, but there’s no clarity about what you mean to each other. A relationship, on the other hand, is a conscious choice. Both people choose each other with intention. There’s clarity, communication, trust, commitment and mutual respect. Most importantly, you know where you stand. 

Situationship vs Relationship: The Core Difference

Why We Don’t Ask “What Are We?”

I think most of us have found ourselves asking, “What are we?” at some point. But often, we only ask ourselves that question instead of asking the other person. Not because we are confused, but because we’re afraid. We worry that asking for clarity might push them away or make us seem like we care “too much.” So instead of having one honest conversation, we spend months analysing every text, every cancelled plan, every mixed signal, hoping we will eventually find the answer on our own. 

But here’s something I often tell my clients: it’s better to have one uncomfortable five-minute conversation than spend five months creating stories in your head. And if being honest about your needs makes you lose the person, they were probably never willing to meet those needs in the first place. 

Signs You Might Be in a Situationship

Here are a few signs you might be in a situationship: 

• You are acting like a couple, but you have never defined the relationship.
•  You are scared to ask, “What are we?” 
• Conversations about the future rarely happen. 
• You don’t know how to introduce them to other people.
• The relationship feels real, but it’s never clearly acknowledged. 

Why Situationships Are So Hard to Leave

Ever wondered why situationships are so difficult to leave? 

One reason is something psychologists call intermittent reinforcement. It simply means that when someone is warm and affectionate one day but distant the next, your brain keeps waiting for the next moment of connection. That uncertainty creates hope and hope can become surprisingly addictive. Sometimes you are not holding on to the relationship itself; you are holding on to the potential of what it could become. 

My biggest takeaway is this: healthy relationships are not built by labels – they are built by clarity. You can absolutely choose to keep things casual and there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as both people are choosing the same kind of relationship. The real problem begins when one person believes they are building something meaningful while the other is simply “seeing where it goes.” 

Love shouldn’t leave you constantly wondering where you stand. It should make you feel secure enough that you don’t have to keep guessing. It shouldn’t feel like an emotional game where you are always trying to decode someone else’s intentions. Healthy love brings clarity, not confusion.

Frequently Asked Questions

What is a situationship?
A situationship is a romantic connection where two people behave like a couple emotional intimacy, regular time together, shared routines — without ever defining the relationship or agreeing on commitment.

What’s the difference between a situationship and a relationship?
A relationship involves a conscious, mutual choice with clarity about commitment. A situationship has the closeness without the agreement, which is why one or both people are often left guessing.

Is a situationship always unhealthy?
No. Casual connections are perfectly healthy when both people genuinely want the same thing. It becomes damaging when one person is building something serious while the other is not.

Why is it so hard to leave a situationship?
Intermittent reinforcement unpredictable warmth followed by distance keeps the brain hoping for the next moment of connection. People often stay attached to the relationship’s potential rather than its reality.

How do I ask someone what we are?
Choose a calm moment, state what you want directly rather than listing complaints, ask your question, and let them answer. Decide in advance what you’ll do if the answer isn’t the one you were hoping for.

When It’s Worth Talking to Someone

If you find yourself repeatedly in relationships where you’re the one guessing, or if walking away feels impossible even when you know it isn’t working, that pattern usually has a history worth understanding.

I’m Namrata Jain, a counselling psychologist, coach and TEDx speaker based in Mumbai, and founder of OutAloud Wellness. I work with individuals on relationship counselling, attachment patterns, dating anxiety and self-worth, in person in Mumbai and online across India.

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